Most people think of a good person as someone who is truthful, reliable, trustworthy, and authentic in their actions. Overall kind to others with positive intentions.. it makes sense right?
As humans we love to put people into categories to allow us to predict the outcome of the situation we are in. When we categorise it helps to provide information on how people from similar groups behave. Assessing things like someone’s character, their behaviour and ultimately if they are a safe person. The problem is, people are full of complexities and expecting someone to always be kind, altruistic and ‘good’ all the time, simply isn’t reality.
So here’s my thoughts on why we need to reframe what it means to be a good person.
Perception
Most of what we imagine a good person to be, is based off our perception. Each person judges off their own morals, values and beliefs. It doesn’t mean they always align with ours though. There are countless people in the world who will happily wreak havoc on others’ lives yet seem like decent people to everyone else. We don’t see the full picture of their behaviours and the full effect they are having. When we leave others to decide what is considered good, we lose part of ourselves by allowing them to dictate our worth based on their own standards. You can never be authentic to yourself if you don’t know what your morals and values are and live by them.
Living in the past
So many of us still base our character and temperament off who were at high school or in our 20’s but that’s not reality. Our brains weren’t fully developed then yet we use our past experiences to decide if we are good people or not. Constantly living in the past and bringing up memories of hurtful things we said or did to people. Remember that you are the only person who really knows this, nobody else remembers the cruel comments you said when you were 12. You are not the same person you were back then, stop letting those memories influence the person you are today.
Seasons change
As each year goes by, we learn a bit more about ourselves. As a child, I felt I had to have lots of friends to be happy. That I needed to do well in school to make my parents proud. That I had to weigh less because that’s what society wanted. But the reality is there is far more substance to a person than the things we can tangibly see. At each stage of our lives we learn lessons and as the seasons change, what worked for us before, might not be working for us in the future. Same thing goes with relationships, just because someone has always treated you that way, doesn’t mean it makes you a bad person to walk away. There are always two sides to the story and you are not responsible for how another person experiences the situation.
Life has it’s challenges
Everyone knows of the unpredictability of life. Something that many people cannot fathom is how quickly it can change. What we don’t see on the outside is the internal struggle that many people face. We don’t see the hours people have spent trying to better themselves, address generational trauma cycles or create healthy habits in their life. We only see what people want us to see. If we can be honest about our lives, admit to having bad days and feeling down, it allows others to see that ‘good’ doesn’t mean having to be happy or positive all the time but honest and authentic about our individual experience.
Meeting our own needs first
Something many people are familiar with is self-abandonment. This is when we neglect our own needs, feelings, wants and values, often prioritising the needs of others above our own. While it may be necessary in certain circumstances (raising young children), majority of the time it is not. Meeting the needs of everyone else may seem selfless but when you deny your wants, needs and values, it only leads to disdain. How can you be true to yourself and grow if you change the fundamental parts of you to make others feel comfortable? You lose the essence of yourself, when you don’t put yourself first. You deserve love and to feel worthy as much as anyone else. Good doesn’t mean cutting yourself down to make others more comfortable.
Social media
There’s plenty of people out there who might look like kind and selfless people but are doing things for selfish reasons. We only see the face value of someone’s life and not the reality behind the scenes. We see a perfect life on social media which is often so well curated we believe that someone couldn’t have any flaws to their personality. But that’s the thing, they do have flaws. Every single one of us does. It doesn’t mean that you are a bad person though, it just means you are human and each behaviour or complexity of your character is what makes you, you.
Missed opportunities
At each point where we pass up something because we worry what others think, we lose a part of ourselves. We allow others to decide what we should do based off their own judgements. If we spend time doing the things we value and love, it gives us purpose and encourages integrity. Our worth should not be defined by others and what they think is good or bad. So when we see someone who is going out of their way to bring you down or influence your decisions, just know that their need for control may just be a reflection of their own insecurities which they are projecting on your life, for how you ‘should live it’.
Getting comfortable with ourselves
A lot of people find it hard to accept feedback, especially when it comes to how we are perceived by others. The thing is, to experience growth and allow ourselves to come to terms with who we are as people, it is absolutely necessary. Having these discussions where we can deep dive into the route of our behaviours is uncomfortable at first but the more you come to terms with it, you will see everyone else is just as vulnerable and imperfect as you. Vulnerability is the key to connection and building relationships with others. Each time we open ourselves up to uncomfortable situations, we learn valuable lessons and get to know ourselves more. When you learn that we act certain ways because of upbringing and our own experiences, things make a lot more sense.
Key takeaways
Being a good person is not something we can allow others to decide for us. What it means for us is individual and relies on our own definition of what it means to be a good person. It’s normal to want to categorise ourselves into a group but beating ourselves up for our past mistakes is not helpful. We all grow and learn lessons throughout our lives. Part of the human experience is to evolve and change as we grow older and move through the seasons. If you have good intentions and try to be kind and truthful, it doesn’t matter what others think of you. They are only basing their opinion on what they can see. You know yourself best, and it’s never too late to change. It’s ok to choose yourself and focus on you. You don’t owe anyone anything and by cutting yourself down for the ease of others, won’t achieve anything. You can still be a good person and say no to people, it’s your life at the end of the day.
Lydi x